The only person in the "real world" that I've told about this journal is my friend Kevin. I figured after all that him and I have talked about there's nothing that I can or would want to hide from him. Revealing myself completely to people is very difficult for me. I've always kept my feelings bottled up inside me. Being vulnerable is very, very tough for me.
After posting my entry about Andy last night, I decided to email him the link. I did it in a hurry before I chickened out. Revealing myself to people, even those closest to me, especially those closest to me, is so very scary for me. I think I'm fearful if someone really knows me they won't like me or they'll think poorly of me. I'm not sure. But, it scares the hell out of me.
Here's what I wrote:
How's it going. I've been pretty busy. I'll be heading to TX on Saturday. I can't wait for the break. I've been keeping a journal online for the last couple of months. I've kept it to myself from family and friends, I guess because I've always been so private from everyone, even those closest to me. But, tonight I wrote about you and wanted to share it with you. And, maybe some of the wrong roads I've taken has been because I've been so closed off. So, here's the link, if you're interested in seeing what horrible things I said about you. ;-)
Love Ya and don't hate me.
Today I received this email from Andy:
As your big brother, I am compelled by my dogmatic nature to correct you on three points:
1) You have not taken any wrong roads; you have traveled through life and overcome many obstacles - very successfully I must say.
2) I could never hate you. What you said was the most absolutely wonderful and complimentary thing a sibling can say.
3) You have not converted me, just made me more open minded through your intellect.
Actually, the e-mail discussion group I belong to is converting me to a Libertarian if anything else. I now realize that being a true conservative means preserving the constitution at all lengths, and not being a chameleon to just get elected.
If I were to write a journal entry about you, I would state the following:
Growing up was met with many emotional challenges, and I had to grow up very fast. Although I had responsibilities and maturity beyond my years, I was stunted from growing and maturing at each stage of adolescence and early adulthood because things were thrust upon me too quickly.
Not until I reached middle age did I finally mature, and it was not because of the influences of any adult wisdom. I had to wait for my beautiful, well-balanced, and intellectually articulate sister to blossom into womanhood, and teach me in her quiet way. The same quiet way that made her such a cute child, as opposed to her raucous brothers.
I have never, and never will get along with other men. I can never relate to them, and this is why I do not have any male friends. I relate better to women, and prior to Michele, I think it is because the only person that I only ever talked to openly and personally was my sister.
My sister Roberta is one of the most influential and emotionally significant people in my life. My sister is sentimental, deep, strong, successful, and a winner. I am proud to be her brother, and with all her accomplishments and bounding over life's obstacles, Roberta makes me "a little brother". I will always try to convince her to move back to Pennsylvania, because life is too short to be without her. Perhaps I can even get her to complete her hunting and trapping course and go out into the woods!
I too hate the pressures of the pagan Christmas, so instead glow in the reason for the season - its a very special birthday, even if nobody can agree on the accuracy of the date.
P.S. I will be sending you something in the next couple-three months that I want you to have. Its a surprise, and you will like it.