The closure letter to Mike continues:
I'll be okay though, because overall I am a happy-go-lucky, optimistic person. It's not because I wear rose-colored glasses either. It's because instead of having a victim mentality, I have a survivor's mindset. If I don't like something, I work hard to change whatever is wrong. However, one thing I have learned through all this mess is that no matter how bad I want something from someone, no amount of will and determination is going to make them give it to me. But, I do believe the odds are in my favor, if I don't give up. I will find someone who is at the same place as me and ready to accept all the love, passion, respect, and honesty that I have to offer and even give it in return.
In the mean time, I'll lick my wounds, add another chink to my armor, and move on. At least I will get my focus back on school. I am still really glad you are out of that hell hole. I hope the best for you, as it is meant to be. Sincerely, Robbie
After sending this to Mike, I began the road to recovery. I'm still recovering but then I think we all are in a state of recovery for the rest of our lives from the hurts we have experienced in the past. Some days were really good then something would happen like a returned letter from Iraq that was sent before I knew he was back would arrive via the mail.
I'm pretty good at doing research. I used to work in litigation support and would have to track down records and people for lawsuits, and that was done mostly via the telephone. So, when things would come up to remind me about Mike. I would hit the 'net to see what I could find. It's amazing how easy it is to glean little bits of information about someone from the internet. I wasn't searching out of some psycho obsession but to try and find answers to all my questions that Mike refused to provide by being silent. I came upon a website that Mike had posted to before and there was a new posting but this time he listed his name and another woman's name. The names were listed in such a way (i.e. Mike and Jessica Last Name) to lead me to believe that this woman is his wife. So, it wasn't Jeanne after all. There was someone else and he married her! I felt like a knife had stabbed me in the heart. But, you know, had he told me, it would have been okay. We didn't have a commitment. But, I also had no clue that there was anyone else. Although, the thought had crossed my mind as a "What if." That's THE email that I had struggled with whether I should send him or not. But, I've resolved that I won't do it now. My motivation is pride, to let him know he didn't get anything over on me. But, I think ultimately it's better to walk away and shut that door behind me.
In a previous letter to Mike I told him that he didn't need to fear telling me anything, that there was nothing new under the sun for me. And, you know what, this isn't new either. That's why I feel compelled to continue to share the letters and emails here. I want to figure out why I attract those who can't be real and honest. I'm not an angel. I've done stupid things in the past. I've hurt people, I know I have, but I try my best to always be sincere and speak the truth. It baffles me what it could possibly be that is innate to someone's character that the truth is elusive. Do they believe the lies they tell? I think that is only part of the answer though. I think part of it may also be that we deceive ourselves. But is that it? And, how do I break this pattern in my life.