Sunday, March 08, 2009
Hurt - Let's Get Real
This is my new favorite song. I think I have this version by the NIN but it didn't stick with me like Johnny's does. There's a raw realness to his voice. And, well, I'm just relating to it so much more lately.
I dated a guy in high school that would take a razor to himself and mark up his body. I called him crazy and laughed, not realizing that perhaps he was doing it for more than just to show how wild and zany he was trying to be. It wasn't until many years later that I heard about "cutting" that people do to themselves as an expression of pain. When I first heard about it, I really couldn't relate. Then one day I heard a celebrity relate it to picking scabs on ourselves. And, I thought, I DO THAT. I'm actually quite bad at it but I hide it well. For instance, I do it on my belly or in my hairline and a lot of times I've created the wound before I really even realize that it's there and once I create a spot I go back to it time and again. I pull the scab to feel that quick shot of pain. I'm not even sure why. I think it is related to stress that I internalize instead of finding a constructive means of expression. I will force myself to allow the wound to heal and then without even realizing it I find a new spot to turn to.
I think we, I'm pretty sure I'm not alone in any of this, do this in our relationships too. I recently broke things off with a guy I've been seeing. The first couple of days it felt very right. I felt like I made the right decision. Although, I do regret the means by which I did it but I had to. I wouldn't have followed through otherwise. I had to pull the scab quickly. Now, a week later, I'm wallowing in the pain of the decision. I want to talk to him. I want to pull the scab again. Which is stupid because it won't change what led me to make the decision. It will only prolong the pain. I need to let this heal. I figured I'd come here and write about it - for a change. I haven't written anything real or raw in a long time. It feels good - and painful. Kind of like pulling a scab.