Sunday, March 08, 2009

Hurt - Let's Get Real

This is my new favorite song. I think I have this version by the NIN but it didn't stick with me like Johnny's does. There's a raw realness to his voice. And, well, I'm just relating to it so much more lately.

I dated a guy in high school that would take a razor to himself and mark up his body. I called him crazy and laughed, not realizing that perhaps he was doing it for more than just to show how wild and zany he was trying to be. It wasn't until many years later that I heard about "cutting" that people do to themselves as an expression of pain. When I first heard about it, I really couldn't relate. Then one day I heard a celebrity relate it to picking scabs on ourselves. And, I thought, I DO THAT. I'm actually quite bad at it but I hide it well. For instance, I do it on my belly or in my hairline and a lot of times I've created the wound before I really even realize that it's there and once I create a spot I go back to it time and again. I pull the scab to feel that quick shot of pain. I'm not even sure why. I think it is related to stress that I internalize instead of finding a constructive means of expression. I will force myself to allow the wound to heal and then without even realizing it I find a new spot to turn to.

I think we, I'm pretty sure I'm not alone in any of this, do this in our relationships too. I recently broke things off with a guy I've been seeing. The first couple of days it felt very right. I felt like I made the right decision. Although, I do regret the means by which I did it but I had to. I wouldn't have followed through otherwise. I had to pull the scab quickly. Now, a week later, I'm wallowing in the pain of the decision. I want to talk to him. I want to pull the scab again. Which is stupid because it won't change what led me to make the decision. It will only prolong the pain. I need to let this heal. I figured I'd come here and write about it - for a change. I haven't written anything real or raw in a long time. It feels good - and painful. Kind of like pulling a scab.


gigi said...

I guess I have my answer. The next Restricted number ring you hear will be me.

Donna said...

I have that CD and also the video. It speaks volumes to me.

Coy said...

Sometimes you've just gotta give yourself permission to hurt a little so you can move on.
Thinking of you.
*** Coy ***

emmapeelDallas said...

It hurts to break up, even when it's the right thing to do. Last time I did this I made a list of the reasons it was the right thing to do, and every time, to paraphrase Delbert McClinton, I'd feel "an old weakness, comin' on strong..." I'd pull that list out and read it.

MzAmy said...

I have this CD, great song. I know what you mean about the rawness of it.

I do this thing with pushing on a bruise, or a sore muscle from over exercising or something.

I am sorry for how you are feeling.
must have been a valid reason for pulling on this recent ''scab''.
? A good reason for ending the relationship.....

Anyway, no wise words from me.
just, I will be thinking of you.
I know this is not a recent entry.
but, I will be thinking of you all the same.

I hope you let yourself heal.
the writing of it, helps though.