I haven't quite been myself here since I got back from vacation. Something happened in J-Land while I was gone, and I wanted to make sense of it and my feelings about it. But, work has been keeping me too busy to really pay much attention to it. But, the continuing drama of it has begun to weigh on my mind and hinder my joy of journaling. As such, I am going to do what I believe is best for me to do. To talk about it, get it out of my system, then hopefully move on. However, by talking about it I also fear I will only add fuel for the fire of the drama so I've pondered whether I should or not. So, I decided I would talk about it without mentioning names or giving links to anyone. I ask that if you know about this situation you won't mention names in my comments either.
You see, a journaling friend of mine had some strange comments left on her journal by a relatively new journaler. It is my understanding that it made her feel uncomfortable and maybe like she was being harrassed and/or attacked by this journaler. She chose to ignore this other journaler because if you've been around long enough you soon realize that it is usually the best response. And, you know what? It's a free world. She has the right to ignore someone if she wants to. The perceived harasser took offense at this response and proceeded to post a public statement to her on his own journal. He has since deleted that entry as well as others related to the subject. But, because of his entry (that could have been easily perceived as an underhanded attack also) other journalers decided to band together and block him. Also, their right.
Before I had left on vacation I had befriended this new journaler. I thought what he was doing with his site was impressive for someone who had just started journaling. His sense of humor was a bit off-color and he spoke in a way that required the reader to read between the lines to understand what he was saying but I didn't mind because it just made me think a little harder when I read his stuff. When I heard that he had been blocked by a group of people that I admired, it invoked memories of an incident that occurred while I was a member of the "Church." I really wasn't sure how I should respond. Intially, I thought he had just been misunderstood and once I had a chance to review what had occurred maybe I could mediate a reconciliation. Or, at worst, explain myself to all involved parties and hope they would accept my decision to carry on a relationship. In the mean time, I tried to encourage the journaler just to move on with his journaling experience. After all, J-Land is a large place, what a few people think of you really doesn't matter a hill of beans.
Well, it seems I gave the wrong person the benefit of the doubt. Personally, I now believe making journaling friends was never on his agenda. I won't pretend to know exactly what his motives were or are, although I do have my suspicions. But, where they have carried him now is in my opinion over the top and somewhat scary. I too have since blocked him from commenting here.
This is the first time I have blocked anyone from my journal. However, I chose to do that of my own accord because I began to feel like he was using me as a pawn to advertise his subversion because he knew the objects of his attacks read my journal also. And, honestly, after all that has occurred here in J-Land, I think ignoring the drama kings and queens is the best policy. It's the group decision that set uneasy with me. I may write why in another entry sometime, but who knows where the wind blows my mind when I come to my journal to write.
So, that leads me to what I wrote in my very first entry: "I've kept personal journals for years but never would have shared my thoughts with the world. I doubt my delirious musings will attract much attention so I guess that's why I feel safe to post them here. And, if they do attract some attention, it could prove interesting."
When I started my journal, I never in my wildest ponderings thought where it would lead me - what exactly "interesting" would entail. There have been some crazy kind of crap happen, too much to even begin listing. There have been several times where I was only a hair away from deleting my journal. What stops me from packing up and going home? I'm a fighter and a survivor. I refuse to give up. This is MY space in the vast cyberworld and no one but me will dictate its existence. Okay, maybe AOL has some rights but only because I first agreed to them. And, I believe that the good still far outweigh the bad.
It doesn't mean that being attacked, ridiculed, maligned, or witnessing people attempting to do the same to my friends doesn't hurt. It doesn't mean that I will stop being cautious about what I reveal here. I am always aware of the fact that there are those out there who will lie to me about who they are in order to achieve some demented personal agenda. It doesn't mean it doesn't anger me. Often times, what I don't understand has that affect. However, I believe that in all situations I have choices. I can change my attitude or I can change my situation. Since I am refusing to change my situation, I have decided to change my attitude. I won't allow it to hurt me anymore. Actually, I find it quite amusing. Yes, I laugh at it and those who choose to conduct themselves from a negative energy source. I won't feed their negative energy by allowing it to upset me.
I realized today that there are two kinds of people who come upon the J-Land scene, those who are negative and those who are positive. By their actions, they are easily distinguishable. Those who are negative come on the scene creating all kinds of drama in order to attract attention to themselves. Those who are positive aren't concerned with attention because they are too busy giving to others and/or minding their own business. Lucky for me I have had the great fortune to meet a slew of positive people. They are what keep me here. In addition to the wonderful blessings I've received from other journalers, I have a place to express my creative side as well as regurgitate my spleen like I have tonight. I thank each of you, new and old alike, for your kindness and support that you show me through your comments and emails. I feel like I can never say it often enough how grateful I feel for all that you give to me. Thank you!
Disclaimer: The above cards are from Brush Dance's inspirational card series called "Wild Women." They are a hoot! I bought mine at Target but apparently you can buy them on their website too. Oh, I altered the card on the right to say 13, since I'm not quite yet 40 and it is a lesson that I thankfully learned early on. :-)