For some this may be hard to believe, but I can be venomous. Yes, Bitch with a capital "B." It takes a lot to get me there. However, when it is turned on I spout first then regret later. Some people I've had the displeasure of meeting in my life have had a knack for pushing just the right buttons to expose that side of me. I try to avoid those people because I don't like that side of me. And, I don't like hurting people even those who choose to stand in the place of an enemy. I feel manipulated and out of control. Because in the heat of the moment, I am not who I desire to be.
I could blame it on my nature. After all, I am a Scorpio.
I could blame it on genetics. The only person I have ever met who is worse than me is my mother.
I could play the victim and blame it on society. I am who I am because of the dish of shit I've been force fed.
But, deep inside I believe we have the power and choice to rise above those things.
I could turn the other cheek and choose the silent route. But, the prideful part of me feels like I am giving the other person a victory. Then there's the arrogant me who thinks that by my being silent, I win even more because often times the button-pusher is doing so just to get a rise out of me.
Something occurred yesterday that called to the long dormant bitch inside of me. She's fighting to have at it. She still might. But, I'm writing this first to buy the better me some time to think things out. I feel proud for how far I have come. In the past, I wouldn't have thought through it, I would have taken deadly aim and fired, consequences be damned.
On a somewhat related note, I heard this song for the first time the other day. I usually don't pay much attention to lyrics but it spoke to that better person in me. And, I was amazed at how much it duplicates my very thinking. So, I'll share it here to remind myself of who I truly am.
by Hoobastank "The Reason"
whenever i step outside, somebody claims to see the light
it seems to me that all of us have lost our patience.
'cause everyone thinks they're right, and nobody thinks that there
just might be more than one road to our final destination
but i'm not ever going to know if i'm right or wrong
'cause we're all going in the same direction
and i'm not sure which way to go because all along
we've been going in the same direction
i'm tired of playing games, of looking for someone else to blame
for all the holes in answers that are clearly showing
for something to fill the space, was all of the time i spent a waste
'cause so many choices point the same way i was going.....
so why does there only have to be one correct philosophy?
i don't want to go and follow you just to end up like one of them
and why are you always telling me what you want me to believe?
i'd like to think that i can go my own way and meet you in the end.
but i'm not ever going to know..........