Saturday, August 07, 2004

Same Direction

For some this may be hard to believe, but I can be venomous.  Yes, Bitch with a capital "B."  It takes a lot to get me there.  However, when it is turned on I spout first then regret later.  Some people I've had the displeasure of meeting in my life have had a knack for pushing just the right buttons to expose that side of me.  I try to avoid those people because I don't like that side of me.  And, I don't like hurting people even those who choose to stand in the place of an enemy.  I feel manipulated and out of control.  Because in the heat of the moment, I am not who I desire to be.

I could blame it on my nature.  After all, I am a Scorpio.

I could blame it on genetics.  The only person I have ever met who is worse than me is my mother.

I could play the victim and blame it on society.  I am who I am because of the dish of shit I've been force fed.

But, deep inside I believe we have the power and choice to rise above those things.

I could turn the other cheek and choose the silent route.  But, the prideful part of me feels like I am giving the other person a victory.  Then there's the arrogant me who thinks that by my being silent, I win even more because often times the button-pusher is doing so just to get a rise out of me.  

Something occurred yesterday that called to the long dormant bitch inside of me.  She's fighting to have at it.  She still might.  But, I'm writing this first to buy the better me some time to think things out.  I feel proud for how far I have come.  In the past, I wouldn't have thought through it, I would have taken deadly aim and fired, consequences be damned.

On a somewhat related note,  I heard this song for the first time the other day.  I usually don't pay much attention to lyrics but it spoke to that better person in me.  And, I was amazed at how much it duplicates my very thinking.  So, I'll share it here to remind myself of who I truly am.

Same Direction
by Hoobastank
"The Reason"

whenever i step outside, somebody claims to see the light
it seems to me that all of us have lost our patience.
'cause everyone thinks they're right, and nobody thinks that there
might be more than one road to our final destination

but i'm not ever going to know if i'm right or wrong
'cause we're all going in the same direction
and i'm not sure which way to go because all along
we've been going in the same direction

i'm tired of playing games, of looking for someone else to blame
for all the holes in answers that are clearly showing
for something to fill the space, was all of the time i spent a waste
'cause so many choices point the same way i was going.....

so why does there only have to be one correct philosophy?
i don't want to go and follow you just to end up like one of them
and why are you always telling me what you want me to believe?
i'd like to think that i can go my own way and meet you in the end.

but i'm not ever going to know..........


dymphna103 said...

Robbie sometiomes we all have a side of of which can be spiteful and make people regret.  I try to keep mine in check.   john

barebytes said...

Is where I say "HUH?"  Just what is going on that you feel this bitch side coming on? What am I reading and not comprehending? Or is this a prelude to the explosion of bitchness  to come? Well, let me say this, All people have the side you are speaking of. I think you are just talking yourself out of it, giving yourself some time to see right from wrong. BUT...I guess I'll wait to see what happens. Hugs Lanny

laurak411 said...

It's so hard to be 'good'--lol--I know exactly what you're talking about, but for so many years I took crap, and I'm not doing it anymore! Love Hoobastank's The Reason--just bought their CD--the song you mentioned is a good one--Just remember--sometimes it's good to be a 'bitch'!

robbush6 said...

Robbie, I just now saw your weekly picks! Vanilla Thunder and the C-Cups. I love it.

sistercdr said...

This is something we have in common.  Letting loose the bitch is a fearful thing. I've come to believe that there are times when it's the best choice I have, but I still have to check myself to not let that side get too far out of hand. That control does seem to come easier than it used to, and recognizing the times when my bitchiness is appropriate is getting easier as well.

jlreynolds said...

Robbie - hard as it may be to believe, I think we all have some of that Bitch inside of us and some of us learn or harness it early on and some of us never do.  I just let loose on someone I love dearly and should never have spoken to the way I just did (I mean "just" as in 15 minutes ago!)  I regret it deeply, and I WAS out of control at the moment, so I know the conundrum with which you are now faced.  Sometimes we need to vent.  Sometimes we think we need to, and do, and then regret it.  Sometimes we hold ourselves in check and in the end we either regret having done so or we are extremely thankful we did so.  I don't know what is best for you in this unknown situation, but whatever it is, I wish you luck and I hope you pick the choice that is best for YOU.  Best wishes.  Lisa

readmereadyou said...

In this day and age, sometimes the bitch inside is simply not allowing yourself to be stepped on and nothing's wrong with that.

karensull12 said...

Hey Robbie...I'm a Scorpio too!!!!  And I'm a bitch that can't seem to rise above being a bitch.  You either love me or hate me, and I either love you or hate you.  I hope you are doing better.  I think venting cleanses the soul...

lisbnjvi said...

I am raising two Scorpios, one male and one female, and they aren't even into their total "bitchiness" as of yet, but I can see it coming already!  Scorpios can "get" to the part of the person that they want to hurt like no one else can, and it is with that stinger of theirs.  So, you are doing the right thing, you are thinking about it first, and if you think it through and then let heads roll, then go for it.  But, at least you are mature enough to stand back and contemplate first!  I wouldn't want to be on the other side of that Scorpio temper that's for sure!!! :)
Hugs and love, Lisa

donah42 said...

I shouldn't really comment, because I'm all in favor of letting the inner bitch rear her head every now and then... But I also know how you feel about allowing people to get you to that point---it's a fine line... Let us know the outcome!

babyshark28 said...

um ... nice.
I guess. LOL. Are you feeling bitchy?  I'm sorry.
maybe this is a bad time, but I miss you over at substance :(
take care.

babyshark28 said... that picture. :)

mlraminiak said...

About being doesn't take too much to drive ME to it.  Have noticed lately, the more tired I am, the shorter my fuse...  Lisa  :-]

ggal3133 said...

Sometimes its better to write about it and then react. Good luck with it.

txsguinan said...

Like you (or Hoobastank, whom I've never heard of and now feel incredibly old as a result) I do not believe there is any one  path to truth and human understanding..."i'd like to think that i can go my own way and meet you in the end," as well. But I suppose if we all just accepted this there'd be no reason for some to feel chosen, superior, or more divine than others.  And then, what would all have to fight about, for cryin' out loud?  Art? Music? Haircolor?  ;)

You may feel like a bitch (and who doesn't, from time to time) but that is one gorgeous photo!  Are you the artist?  :)  

fancykat28 said...

I can totally relate Robbie.  And once again, you've handled a bad situation(obviously) with grace and finess.   I would have already pounced and would be writing about the aftermath of destruction there was......LOL!  (((((Robbie)))) FEEL BETTER SOON!  

indigosunmoon said...

First off...I love this song by Hoobastank!  
Secondly, I've been known to let my inner
bitch come out a time or two, and it's not
I just hate the fact you have been pushed into
releasing yours.
Love ya,

lamove04 said...

This is something I'm thinking a lot about these days too.  It's probably one of the hardest life lessons there is.  Working on forgiveness, tolerance, etc... looking at one's own faults rather than always blaming everyone else.  I'm doing ok with some people, terrible with others.  Like, how is my neighbor being a rude _____ my fault???   Still workin' on that one!  --Albert

plieck30 said...

Many times much later I think what my innerbitch should have said or did. I am just so amazed that a person would say or do certain things to me. Sometime I don't like being a slow thinker. lol  Paula

pollysci said...

Robbie, one of my friends has a sticker that reads ''I'm a Babe In Total Control of Herself.''  ;)

I've recently had an incident that brought my Inner B to the forefront.  I considered turning the other cheek, but I didn't take my two seconds.  I figured if I were going to move on, I had to assert myself.

As for ''The Reason,'' I really love that song.  

~tara :)

judithheartsong said...

great entry fellow scorpio..... judi

judithheartsong said...

great entry fellow scorpio..... judi

judithheartsong said...

oh so sorry.... aol burped as I was saving........ forgive me and delete one dear Robbie!

musenla said...

Actually, I'm not surprised that you have a venomous side to you.  I just get the impression, based on your entries, that you're the kind of person who has no trouble standing up for yourself and letting the offending party know exactly know what's on your mind.

Not that that's a bad thing.  Goodness knows I need more moxie!

freeepeace said...

I think we all have that human quality to react.  It's how we handle our reaction that gives us insight to life's events.  We ARE all headed to the same place...we came from the same place.  But we will choose different paths to get there.  That's the beauty of it.  Rise above and let go.  Great choice.  [but dammit, it just feels so good sometimes to lash out in a fit of frustration, doesn't it?]  Ommmm :P

slowmotionlife said...

Scorpios rock!  I'm a scorpio too. We're passionate creatures - whether in love or in anger.  Like you, I don't anger easily, but once you've reached that spot in me, you better watch out.  Over the years, I've had to re-teach myself and learn new behaviors and better ways of dealing with my stress and irritations.  Every day is a learning experience, as I'm stressed out and irritated often, but in the end, I think we still love far more than we hate.  And the fact that we KNOW ourselves so well, and are willing to accept our faults and work on them, means that we're pretty good people.  My O, anyway.  :)

jcgeorgiapeach said...

I fight my inner bitch often...and sometimes I fail miserably.  I understand the "turning your cheek" reference more than I care to admit.  I know you remember what happened to me concerning my job...and it was all I could do to keep that cheek turned and not feel like someone else was getting a victory in all of this.  Yet, three months down the road, I'm glad I did.  Waiting it out is the hardest thing you can do, but the shine that lights your face when circumstances turn in your favor is magnificent.  ~Peachy