You are probably wondering what the picture of Hunny has to do with the game. I'll tell you. Nothing! This will be one of several pics I show this week from my day at the dogpark with Freee. And, I just need a cute distraction.
I opened the book this morning to pull out the random question and I didn't like what the book was asking. I closed the book and opted not to do an entry this morning. I've mulled over it all day, whether, or not I should answer THE question. After all, who would know if I chose a different question. But, if I can't be true to myself, who can I be true to? So, with much trepidation and without further ado, let the games begin:
"We fantasize about both good and evil, about winning and losing, about our past and future. Fantasies are what inspire us all; to work, marry, raise families, create, improve our world. It is why we lose ourselves in books, go to movies, watch television, go to the ballgame and on vacation."
If you had to choose the single biggest mistake you have made in life so far, what would it be?
When I was 25, I was working as a manager of a restaurant in San Antonio, Texas. It was closing time and all the foodservers were doing their sidework with hopes to get out as soon as the restaurant was closed for the night. I was in my office doing whatever paperwork I could before closing out the cash register after the last customer cashed out. As I sat at my desk, I looked up and saw a girl standing at the register. The windows were tinted so she couldn't see me. I looked to my left down the line to see if any of the foodservers would come to the front to ring her out. No one was budging. They held their heads fast to their task hoping to pretend, to the best of their ability, like they didn't notice the woman waiting patiently at the register. A few more minutes passed and I finally gave in. I went out to the register. She ordered a strawberry milk shake.
I don't remember if I made the milkshake for her or had one of the foodservers do it. But, somehow we managed to strike up a conversation. She told me how she had just come from a Spurs game and how great it was. We talked a little longer and I rung her out. It seemed she was hanging on and just wouldn't leave. I was trying my best to break the conversation so I could return to my paperwork. And, that's when it occurred. The biggest mistake of my life. The woman asked me if I would like to attend a singles Bible Talk. She even had a nifty card. I, being polite, said, "Sure that would be nice sometime." I was actually considering returning to church after many years of non-attendance. But, knew that this was something that I would probably slip in my pocket and never give another thought. Then she caught me off-guard. She asked me what I was doing Thursday night. Me: "Um...nothing. It's my night off." Dumb Robbie! Dumb! It just so happened they were having a Bible Talk that night.
I'm the type of person who once I commit to something, I stand firm. I went to the Bible Talk on that Thursday night long ago and it was the beginning of a four year involvement in a Church that would drastically change my life forever. In some respects, the changes I made were good, but in others it was very harmful, even detrimental to my well-being, both emotionally and psychologically. I gave up what some might consider the prime years of their lives to "seek and save the lost." And, from the inside looking out everyone was lost but us. It became a slippery slope into a deep depression for me. I knew something was wrong but I thought it was me. After moving to Dallas, and then two years later moving to Los Angeles, I decided to leave the only world I knew anymore. I had no friends from my past. My relationship with my family became strained and distant because they just didn't understand my new purpose. I left knowing that all my current friends would turn their backs on me because I was walking away, to them I was walking away from God. But, I knew it was something I had to do. I knew my rollercoaster emotional rides were not normal. I told them I needed to heal. If they were the true Church, I would be back.
It's been seven years since I left. When I first left, I began doing research about the group that I had left and after much self-denial, I came to the realization that what I had left was a Cult operating under the guise of a fundamental Christian Church. Knowing this didn't help my depression much. It only made it worse. It was the final straw for me in a long string of various relationships where my trust had been broken and abused. I speak of the trust that I had put in God, the Church, and the people I met there but I also mean the trust I put in myself. I felt like I couldn't trust myself anymore.
It has taken alot of work to get to where I am today. I know there is still work ahead. I put my spiritual search on hold while I was going to school. I felt I needed to in order to move on with my life. You see, the more I searched and questioned life, God, and religion, the less I believed in any of it. To the point now that I consider myself Agnostic.
Please don't feel sorry for me. It was the biggest mistake of my life but it also taught me so much. I learned what love and grace means. I learned that no matter how badly a person falls on their face that you can recover from it and that those who love you will forgive you. My relationships with my family have been restored. Friends that I turned my back on forgave me and understood. Relationships have been healed.
For a year before I left the church, I prayed that God would expand my faith. Being in the church, I thought it meant becoming a leader, maybe even in the fulltime ministry. Little did I know that my faith would grow beyond what my mind could imagine because it takes faith to admit you don't know, that you really don't have all the answers. It takes faith to trust that you are where you need to be on your spiritual walk in this world. And, it takes faith not to judge others and trust that they are following their spiritual path as they should.
And, it takes faith for me to write this because I realize that I am probably opening a can of worms for all those who choose to stand in judgement of me and attack me. It takes faith that I'll respond with dignity and not anger. It takes faith to be vulnerable.
Now...enough about me. What is your single biggest mistake?
[Editors Note: I thought maybe I should leave the definition of Agnostic. "One who believes that there can be no proof of the existence of God but does not deny the possibility that God exists."]