My heart has been feeling heavy this week. Ive tried to shake it off but the news keeps bringing things to the top. I tried to catch up on my journal reading this morning with hopes to shake it off but even in J-Land the reminders exist.
When I started writing this journal, I talked about Mike a lot. I was trying to figure out what happened. Why a pattern exists in my relationships? But, really it was more than that. The news reminded me this week. The talk of it being a year since the beginning of the war reminded me what I was doing this time last year. You see, Mike was over there. And, I was stressed out and worried beyond belief. I was glued to the news! I was grateful for the 24 hour coverage. When that stopped I hit the net to find whatever I could. Thats when I found the War Blogs. Actually, that is what led me to start this journal. I never knew this realm of Cyberland existed. So, for that part I am grateful.
Theres a good chance Mike is back over there now. But, I dont know and part of me is glad not to know this go-round. I was talking to my old roommate, Patty, the other night and told her that I was kind of grateful that things didnt work out because I dont think I could handle the stress I felt last year while he was over there. She lived it with me, so she understood. But, yet, here I sit floundering with a heavy heart. Partly for Mike and the thoughts of what he might be going through again, but mostly for all those who are nothing but a number to me.
I dont know their name. I might not ever see their face. But, the loss of their life disturbs me deeply. I grieve and mourn their departure from this earth like they were my closest friend and loved one. So many are so young, the potential of an incredible life unrealized. Some are older and have lived a full life, if that is ever really possible. But either way, it all seems so meaningless to me. Someones son, daughter, husband, wife, father, mother, sister, brother, someones someone is taken away with each death. I feel it. I feel the loss to humanity and it hurts.
Do not ask for whom the bell tolls. It tolls for thee. John Dunne
I know youre probably thinking but we are bringing freedom to a people. But, I say, at what expense? Who and why are we really fighting? Will the war EVER be won? Why do we have war? The concept seems so archaic. The last man standing wins! Wouldnt any other game be just as relevant without any lives lost in the process? Heres a thought: Play a game of chess. Its a concept based on war. Whoever wins the game is the conqueror, and the loser must acquiesce to his wishes. (Funny - I didnt even think to use the word "her" here.)
Im going to get out of here for a while today. Do anything that can help me to just get lost and not think for a while. Maybe, Ill go to the Laundromat and watch the clothes spinning in the dryers. Really, anything mindless will do.