Saturday, April 10, 2004

Too many bells ringing in my head.

My heart has been feeling heavy this week. I’ve tried to shake it off but the news keeps bringing things to the top. I tried to catch up on my journal reading this morning with hopes to shake it off but even in J-Land the reminders exist.

 

When I started writing this journal, I talked about Mike a lot. I was trying to figure out what happened. Why a pattern exists in my relationships? But, really it was more than that. The news reminded me this week. The talk of it being a year since the beginning of the war reminded me what I was doing this time last year. You see, Mike was over there. And, I was stressed out and worried beyond belief. I was glued to the news! I was grateful for the 24 hour coverage. When that stopped I hit the ‘net to find whatever I could. That’s when I found the War Blogs. Actually, that is what led me to start this journal. I never knew this realm of Cyberland existed. So, for that part I am grateful.

 

There’s a good chance Mike is back over there now. But, I don’t know and part of me is glad not to know this go-round. I was talking to my old roommate, Patty, the other night and told her that I was kind of grateful that things didn’t work out because I don’t think I could handle the stress I felt last year while he was over there. She lived it with me, so she understood. But, yet, here I sit floundering with a heavy heart. Partly for Mike and the thoughts of what he might be going through again, but mostly for all those who are nothing but a number to me. 

 

I don’t know their name. I might not ever see their face. But, the loss of their life disturbs me deeply. I grieve and mourn their departure from this earth like they were my closest friend and loved one. So many are so young, the potential of an incredible life unrealized. Some are older and have lived a “full life,” if that is ever really possible. But either way, it all seems so meaningless to me. Someone’s son, daughter, husband, wife, father, mother, sister, brother, someone’s someone is taken away with each death. I feel it. I feel the loss to humanity and it hurts.

 

“Do not ask for whom the bell tolls. It tolls for thee.” – John Dunne

 

I know you’re probably thinking but we are bringing freedom to a people. But, I say, at what expense? Who and why are we really fighting? Will the war EVER be won? Why do we have war? The concept seems so archaic. The last man standing wins! Wouldn’t any other game be just as relevant without any lives lost in the process? Here’s a thought: Play a game of chess. It’s a concept based on war. Whoever wins the game is the conqueror, and the loser must acquiesce to his wishes.  (Funny - I didn’t even think to use the word "her" here.)

 

I’m going to get out of here for a while today. Do anything that can help me to just get lost and not think for a while. Maybe, I’ll go to the Laundromat and watch the clothes spinning in the dryers. Really, anything mindless will do.

20 comments:

karensull12 said...

I guess because I don't know anyone over there, I feel so far removed from all that is going on.  And then the other day on Oprah (I think), she had all these storeies about soldiers who had been injured (burned, shot, missing limbs).  It was horrendous to watch, but what struck me the most was that these kinds of stories are only reported sporadically.  We don't hear about them so we assume that it isn't going on, I guess.  At least I do.  I hope you find a quiet place to rest and clear your mind. Happy Easter.

jenpratt13 said...

Now that you mention it I remember when they used to show non stop coverage of the war and I've noticed how it's dwindled down. It's sad. People don't think about the people who die and the people that are still over there unless they see somethig about it on a show, I know I don't. I remember them on holidays though, I think everyone does. And I do think about it a little more than I would because my cousin is in the National Guard. He doesn't have to go to war or anything, I don't think, but I know that people from there have and, well, anything can happen. I hope you feel better about things and get your mind off it.

snkwarren said...

I absolutely admire the wives, parents, families of our soldiers who are away.  In fact, they are the unsung heroes, the support behind the scenes.  Kristi

rrveh1 said...

Robbie...I have similar feelings-Thanks for the "reminders" link-
May God shower The Troops and their families with Safety and Blessings!!
There is a "Books For Soldiers" link on my site-just small gestures from our little corner of the World could mean so much to American Troops in other countries.

linus131999 said...

girl keep ur head up and be strong pray for him i look up to the millitary families that have to live threw this and i pray for them all. its hard i know way too many people who have love ones in the millitary in fact one of my cousins is in it.

lisbnjvi said...

I see why you needed to get "away" today Robbie.  I didn't know about Mike and your past relationship, but I can understand a bit of what you went through and still go through with this war.  I am one of the many that choose to be uninformed about what is happening over there.  Why you ask would I want to do this?  It is so unAmerican!!  Well, I can't control it, I think it's a no win situation and a "game" that will never be won, so I choose not to watch the self-destruction of lives on CNN.  The only thing I can do is vote in November for the President I feel that will best represent our country.  But, then again, what power do they really have?  See, you can't think about this situation too much or it will drive you insane!  I understand why you went to the laundromat to watch clothes spin!  Sometimes that's all you can do.
Hugs and love, Lisa

goldenchildnc said...

Ah {{{{{{{Robbie!!!}}}}}}}

Everything's been said that needed to be said. I really don't have anything to add. Get yourself away. Have some frickin FUN!

Smooches!

Gregg

indigosunmoon said...

I feel so much like you do Robbie.  I try to distance myself from the news most days.  Its so depressing.  It seems like we almost have another Vietnam on our hands.  Gosh, I truly hope not, from the bottom of my soul.  I dont know why the networks report so much pain and suffering, and so little of the good things that happen in our world.  I think we are due for some smiles.  So, my new friend,  I'll share your heavy heart with you.  

screaminremo303 said...

Please don't forget that the men and women serving in our Armed Forces chose to participate  because they believe in the concept of freedom. The principles and philosophy that brought about our national "experiment" are still evolving, and like any relationship, require a little adjustment period to settle things in. We ARE the obnoxious teenager on the world's block, wearing our hat sideways and annoying our elder nations with the ridiculous proposal that we are always right, but we are also the shining beacon of individual rights and personal freedoms sought by millions around the globe. Liberal,Conservative, whatever. We're just voting shareholders in the world's fastest growth stock. BTW-you're wrong on one account.  You ARE a writer! :) Nice work.

uberdude333 said...

world's getiin crazier by the sec..thank God for AOl journals

alphawoman1 said...

Your entry takes me back so many years ago to the Viet Nam war when everyday someone you knew, someone you vaugely knew, someone you didn't know but your friend did was killed.  The protests and the total American sentiment turning on the government regarding the loss of life protecting  people who hate us.  If we continue to repeat our mistakes over and over, what is to become of this wonderful nation?
Mary

divastar509 said...

you are a fantsatic writer!
you are beutiful too.
congratulations for being in the top 5!
-SKMNP

barebytes said...

Robbie, there are no winners with war. Oh sure, things change and people die but life goes on. War has never made sense to me, but then it hasn't been at my front door ether. I kow the news only writes what they think is "attention" getting and that some even stretch facts to make it seem more than it is. But God in his wisdom has let us choose our destiny. As long as people with good hearts care, there is always hope and there will always be a new day. We see people dying but those that come back from fighting come back with stories of hope for the people they are fighting for. Remember, the Bad will always make headlines, the good starts on the back page. Big hugs, Lanny

bobbett63 said...

My heart feels as heavy as well, for my son was there, too. Twenty years old, only son, who I raised alone. I am very proud of him and always will be. He came home, thank God. His roommate died Good Friday....of an anuerism...I am sure was from the stress of war and military outcomes. My son is not at his camp at this time, and come Monday, when he gets there, I am sure this will take it's toll. These guys become BROTHERS and FAMILY to each other, and it sickens me to see what they go through at such a young age!! As a MOM, my heart aches for him, and glad he gets out in May......I not only have him, I have all his friends, who call me MOM. When something happens to one of them, it's like it happens to my "other" son, as well. Thanx for caring.

mw15mw99 said...

Robbie, this touched my heart. Thanks for sharing your feelings.  We have all been touched by the things going on in the world today. It really gets scary and it is wonderful when people pull together to say that they care or they understand and give each other support. I too am getting very scared that some day my son will be called to go to war. He is 18 and is a very fine young  man. Thank you again for sharing ... I  hope you were able to go out and get some time to 'watch the clothes spin' & chill a little.
Kate

babyshark28 said...

I know what your saying....
I was reading an article yesterday about a soldier dying.  and the words
became all fuzzy as big tears dropped down onto the newspaper.  I had to get up and walk away.  It's JUST SO DANG SAD.

I hate war.

freeepeace said...

Ohh Robbie ::sigh::  I'm sorry I wasn't able to comment on this the other day.  A whole year.  People we know and don't know.  So much.  Great mention of a chess game.  And powerful thought about the word "she" in that analogy.  I hope you were/are able to find some peace within.  That's where it all starts.  xo

quroboros said...

Your words are so very touching and heartfelt, reflecting the pain that so many are feeling.  It's so very painful, so very tragic to us all.  Especially now when the war in Iraq was declared "over" months ago and people are being killed, more & more as the numbers mount each day.  Every statistic has a face and a family.  Each daily body count represents souls lost, lives disrupted and families grieving.  It's becoming unbearable, intolerable and for me, is made worse by the knowledge that I can't find a reason to justify their sacrifice.  ¤Holly

cynwann said...

You would think that after World War I ( the  War to end all wars) we (would have learned our lessons. There are never any "lessons" to be learned from a war; if there were, we wouldn't have them. I used to believe what President Bush told us - that Sadaam had weapons of mass destruction and he was selling them to the highest bidder (AKA El-Qaida), and perhaps he was. Perhaps one of our troops will uncover the cache. Then again, they may have already been sold long before we got there. I am a disabled army veteran who saw active duty in the First Gulf War. I volunteered to go into the Army, and with that, I was also obligated to go wherever they sent me. I didn't like it; I was scared to death, but I did what I had signed up to do. Our troops there now are in the same position. They all volunteered, and, unless they went into one of our Special Forces, pretty much thought they would do their stint and get out, and go to college. It didn't happen that way, like it didn't happen that way for me. We all know how Sadaam, his party and his sons were, and personally, I don't mind that he's out of commission. However, our "liberation" has opened up the country to insurgents from other Arab countries who are followers of el-Sadr, who is a puppet of Iran's theocratic government.  . If we leave Iraq  now (and I do believe we have put ourselves up against the proverbial "rock and a hard place"), we will allow these terrorists and fanatical insurgents to take over...remember Afghanistan and the Taliban.Sounds a bit like "manifest destiny" doesn't it? Or "colonialism (doing right for the country becasue they can't do right for themselves). There is a price to pay for freedom - there always has been. Whether we were right going in there...I don't know anymore. But we are there, and, knowing some soldiers over there, I do know that they will do their jobs as well as they can. What they need from us is support and prayers.

musenla said...

War is hell.  Though I'm not a pacifist, war should absolutely, positively be the last resort.  I've mentioned before somewhere else that I am against this war.  I think it's a discretionary war that shouldn't have happened.  

There is a site I visit that gives the total number of casualties in this war:
http://lunaville.org/warcasualties/Summary.aspx.  Every time I visit it, I know that each number in that site represents real lives, often young lives, lost.