Lanny asked a question on his journal about a week ago, "If you could take one and only one trip in a time machine to witness an event in the past, what event would you choose to see happen, and why?" Questions like this always stump me because I don't think about "What Ifs." I live in the present. For me, thinking about such things only leads to disappointment in what is real. But, I thought about Lanny's question and came up with an answer. My answer was, "My birth. So many questions, not enough answers." Lanny sent me an email asking if he could be so bold to ask what questions I have. I told Lanny as soon as I had a chance I would try to answer his request. So here it is:
My mother has a selective memory. I say selective because she remembers things in such a way that she can live with them. An example would be the number of times she has been married changes depending on who she is talking to at the moment, when in reality she is currently on her sixth marriage. Because of this, the things that she tells me, I take with a grain of salt since much of it probably isn't accurate.
For the first seven or eight years of my life, I didn't even know that I was adopted. My birth certificate has my adoptive father's name on it. That's one question that I have. How can the name of your biological father be wiped out of history?
My "real" father was/is an alcoholic. I say "was/is" because he has been sober for 30+ years now. My mom says that my dad was very controlling and demanding but she has never really been specific about the details other than he wouldn't allow us to eat dinner in our pajamas. My brother, Andy, has filled in some details for me. But even he was fairly young at the time. As such, another question I have is: What was life like for our family?
My mom says that she went to the Priest for help and he told her to have another baby, so she had me. Given my mother's selective memory, I wonder if this is true. My mother has never told me specifically when her and my father divorced but based on some pictures I know that I had to have been younger than 13 months old. I wonder if the story about the Priest is true and if so, washaving me just a lame attempt to say she did everything she could before ending the marriage.
I've asked my mom why she would name her only daughter after her father. Why wasn't Chris named after him? She says my dad insisted that I be named after him. I wonder if this is true, or did she just not care, or was there another reason. After all, my mom was named after her father.
My dad gave Chris and I up for adoption. I wonder what was going through his mind to make that decision. Was it an easy decision for him? Why was I raised to believe John was my dad only to be told later on that he wasn't? Whose idea was that? I know my grandmother took it upon herself to introduce my dad to Chris and I but I don't remember if I knew before that time that I was adopted. If my mom told us when she divorced John, or if it was my grandmother who told us that summer so long ago.
These are the questions that I have. Maybe a few more. Nothing too intense just wondering what instigated the life that I call mine.