Tuesday, March 23, 2004

Glad this day is over!

I'm going to expose my soft underbelly for a second. It's not easy to say. Gosh, I really hate to admit it but on days like today, I absolutely hate the fact that I am single. Yup! Independent woman of power turns to mush as soon as things turn crappy. I absolutely hate dealing with car problems and making major financial decisions. The wimp in me surfaces and I become an emotional wreck.

I was doing pretty good. Thought I was handling things. I came home took a nap even. I planned on waking up and studying. First, I thought I'd check some journals. I checked in here to see if I had any comments. That's when I saw Gordy's comment about my car and I totally lost it! I freaked. I melted into a pile of worthless, know-nothing crap. I surfed some car prices and thought about worst case scenarios regarding my car and just had a stressful lump in my stomach and cloud in my head. Study? Forget about it!

I finally called my brother. Him and I talked for a bit. He reassured me that my car should be okay and what I should do. He suggested if I can that I shouldn't wait and go ahead and buy a car now. I'd really like to wait a couple of months but I'll go this weekend and start looking.

I don't know why I think having a man in my life would make this situation any better but for some reason, having someone immediate to turn to just has some kind of safe feeling about it. Trust me, I'm not helpless. I've been on my own since I was 17 and have managed to support myself and survive just fine. So why is it when something like this happens, I wish there was someone else here to share the burden? Someone to turn to. It's not that I don't have people to turn to even. After all, everyone's support here is so very comforting and I have friends in the real world too. I even have my brother who I can call but for some reason it just doesn't feel the same. I feel like everything rests on my shoulders and I hate it. And, I hate feeling this way because it's not how a strong woman of the world should be. I bet guys don't feel this way!

Well, needless to say, I am glad this day is over! Oh and I'm grateful for Kevin! He picked me up and took me to school. He also took me to pick up my car afterwards and followed me home to make sure I didn't have any problems. So, I'm bummed but very grateful for those I can count on and turn to but I'm still bummed and the knot in my stomach is still here.


babyshark28 said...

:( ahh robbie. it's okay to feel stressed and worried when your a strong woman. strong woman are strong because of the things they have gone through in life. you are strong! and I betcha men do feel this way at times.
God Bless kevin!

itsjustusinnc said...

Robbie hon, no matter how strong anyone is, male or female, we ALL like the idea of sharing some things with someone else-- to have someone else there when the chips are down--someone OTHER than good friends and family. Those feelings dont' signify weakness at all. Rather, I think you've shown great strength in admitting that even though you CAN do it all, you wouldn't mind it if someone else were there to go through it with you. It's natural. It's human! Any guy who says he doesn't feel the same way is lying, either to you or to himself or both. :-)


lisbnjvi said...

Sucks to find out that you are just human Robbie doesn't it? You have feelings just like everyone else. And, one of these feelings is that you want someone to share these burdens of your everyday life that doesn't have a life of their "own" to handle too. It's okay though! You are entitled to feel this way, so stop beating yourself up for feeling lonely! There are people out there that are married or have a man in their lives that STILL feel lonely and like you did today. You are a strong woman and have come this far in the world because of that. So what if you feel this way sometimes! It's just natural. So, pick yourself up, look in that mirror and see the beautiful, strong, independant woman you have become! You have absolutely NOTHING to be ashamed of!!

As far as the car goes, if you can afford it, then by all means go out and buy yourself a new car. You deserve it for yourself to at least get rid of the headaches of having to worry all the time about if the car is going to breakdown. Keep us updated on this search.
Hugs, extra hugs and love to you,

lucylouladybug said...

Robbie, don't think that you are the only independant woman that feels this way. I feel like that nearly everyday! I get tired of having to do it all myself too, especially when things turn to crap. But if I had to pick who I'd want around more so for emotional support, it would have been my mom more so than any guy, other than my brothers or my dad. Most of them let me down more than they ever helped me. And that's why I will stay single. Sorry you're having to go through this, believe me I know how frustrating it is, I live it too.
Love you, Penny

queenz43 said...

Hey Robbie. First sorry to hear about your car problems. I can relate to how you are feeling right now. I've had those same feelings when I was single myself. Sometimes things can and do get a bit overwhelming and you do want that extra sense of support to help with the things that come up. I am SO glad that you have your brother to help you out right now. As far as being strong goes, it takes a strong woman to be able to both acknowledge and admit it when she feels this way. I hope you are able to resolve this situation in a way that will lessen some of the feelings of stress. Let us know how it goes.

karensull12 said...

I think you should give yourself more credit than what you are giving yourself. If you have been on your own and taking care of yourself since you were 17, that's a long time to have just yourself to depend on and day to day living is stressful enough without the added extra throw-ins of car troubles or house troubles or whatever. I don't think it's a sign of weakness to want to have someone to share your difficult times. It sounds as though you just needed reassurance that you were doing the right thing and what's wrong with that? I'm glad you have friends and a brother you can turn to. Some people don't even have that.

debijanssen said...

Oh I hate car stuff...do you have the $$ My daughter is very independent she's divorced, beautiful, very successful, owns her own home, works hard and she says the same thing so your not alone. She needs that big man help sometimes. She has to pay more for things cause some things she just can't do. Wow the news is blaring in the background about this rapist in your neck of the woods, be careful....

musenla said...

See, all is not lost. You do have family and friends who look after your interests and even give you a ride when you need it!

Are you kidding me? Guys feel overwhelmed too, they just don't show it! They're big BABIES, ha. We all have days like this, Robbie. It's just a temporary setback; you'll be fine, everything will be fine. =P

ckays1967 said...

"I bet guys don't feel this way! "

Many, many men can not find their way out of a paper bag without their mates help. My husband has no idea how it happens but he has magic socks that wash themselves, fold themselves and neatly jump back into the drawer.
Imagine that!

freeepeace said...

Honey, I can relate. We all want to be taken care of on some level - even men! [heck, mostly men!] It would be great to have someone to help with the burden - but even if you had "a man" in your life [as a partner, for example] that still doesn't guarantee he'd be able to take care of this situation. But I hear ya sister! Being on your own since 17 ... It'd be nice JUST FOR ONCE for someone to say, "It's okay honey, I'll take care of it. You just rest and focus on you. Don't worry." ::sigh:: Ohh to dream!

wessolo said...

I don't think wanting someone to turn to in times of need is a sign of weakness. We're already doomed to go through life alone inside our heads (although I'm working on telepathy, trust me), so reaching out for someone, particularly when the noise inside becomes deafening, is - for lack of a better term - human. It is strength to face something in whatever way you can; it is arrogance to think it's possible to fight every battle alone.
Although it's entirely possible I'm just rationalizing the times I call my mommy. ;)
- Jamey

barebytes said...

OH ! I see your underbelly!!! Seriously, we all feel those decisions pulling at us. You are an independant and very powerful minded woman and you are just feeling the weight of the world as we all do. It is not weakness or frailty, but that inner need to not be alone. I can't believe the men around you haven't realized what a great life partner you are. Hang in there, Hugs Lanny

bridgetteleigh75 said...

You know what? It's okay to feel the way you feel, Robbie. It IS nice yelling at Doug to take out the trash and knowing he'll obediently do it. LOL Just teasing.

What kind of new car are you looking for? Anything in particular?

sethdellinger said...

Trust me, men feel that way. A lot.

quroboros said...

This entry made me feel so bad, not that I'm pitying you, but that there are so many people who feel the same way. Though IMHO we're better off having a partner to share with, that still doesn't mean your life would be oh-so-much better. Often you just compound the matter by having TWO sets of human problems to deal with vs one. Too many see relationships as a way to "fix" their lives. But you have to be strong, independent & secure w/yourself before any relationship will succeed. ~Holly

quroboros said...

oh yeah, I forgot to add.. Guess who checks the oil, gets the inspection stickers & is the only one who can tell when the cars aren't running right- ME! And I'm awful about doing the laundry, but HE takes up all the slack there. It's all give and take, darling, and you can chuck those preconceptions about the standard Male-Female roles! ¤Holly

slowmotionlife said...

Oh crap. You know, when it comes to things like cars, AC issues, house repairs, lawn maintanence, I'm really happy to have Hel around. Seriously. I'm such a girly-girl, I'd NEVER make it on my own. So I can see how all this is making you feel right now. Just breathe. Take one thing at a time. Brothers are GREAT for these things. And at least you don't have to lower the toilet seat to pee!! :D

rbushu said...

Krobbie, everybody needs somebody sometimes. It's the strongest of us who can admidt, soft underbelly notwithstanding. Sometimes a good cry over (fill in the blank) is just what we need to refocus on what's important.

krobbie67 said...

RC: Thanks! I’m grateful for my brother too! It’s hard for me to turn to people. I tend to bottle everything up inside. That’s one of the reasons I wanted to make this entry. To face the facts that I’m a big baby at times.

PENNY: You do live it everyday! I feel like such a whiney baby but I just had to be real with what I was feeling. I think I’d be a frazzled mess if I had someone else counting on me too!

LISA: After reading your recent entries, I understand even more so what you were saying here. Thanks for the email. :::hugs::::

GREGG: I guess guys just seem to put up a better front. Thanks! :::smooches:::

BABY: Thanks! I’m pretty darn grateful for Kevin too! At least, I had someone to turn to.

krobbie67 said...

JAMEY: Doomed we are! Spoken like a true existentialist who cries to his mommy! LOL! Thanks for the smile! I am a bit arrogant though. :-(

FREEE: Yeah you get it! But, yeah, it’s a dream. :::sigh:::

CHRISTINA: Thanks for the laugh! At least I know where socks come from – Santa brings them! ;-)

MUSE: Thanks for the reassurance. And, yes, it is temporary.

DEBI: I haven’t heard about a rapist! But then again, I’ve only caught snippets of news all week long. Thanks for the heads up!

KAREN: You are right! And, I do need to stop and count my blessings instead of getting swallowed up by the negative.

krobbie67 said...

RBUSHU: Yup! Those good cries seem to just wipe the frustrations right out. Sometimes, for me though, they don’t come so easy. I’m too caught up in being overwhelmed. :-(

SLO: Is Hel a pseudonym? Cuz, if it’s not, I love it! I’d have big issues with the whole toilet seat thing to because I am neurotic about wanting the lid kept down too!

HOLLY: ::::nodding head in agreement:::: Don’t get me wrong, I’m not into the preconceived rules. I would love to find a man to take care of all the mundane crap. I’d even support his arse if he did. But, laundry, I’d never give up. I’m too fanatical about it. ;-)

SETH: Would it sound bad if I said that it makes me feel a little better? But, sheesh do you guys have to hide it so well! ;-)

BRIDGETT: Ah, to have someone to yell at sounds so divine! But, I actually don’t mind taking the garbage out. As far as car goes, I’d like to get something that’s a little sporty. I’ve only had three cars in my life and they were all small, econo cars cause I tend to be practical and don’t like spending a lot of money on a car. I’m leaning towards one of three: Mitsubishi Eclipse, Toyota RAV4, or a Ford Mustang. But, I’m not sure what my wallet wants. ;-)

LANNY: Thanks! Ummm the men in my life aren’t looking for women. That could be part of the problem. ;-)