Sunday, January 04, 2004

Signs, Signs Everywhere

Have you ever driven in a new place and there's signs coming at you everywhere. You feel overwhelmed by all of them. You don't know which ones to pay attention to which ones to ignore. That's how I feel today. All these emotions flowing inside me and I can't quite digest any of them. Forget making sense of them.

Years ago I was in therapy. My therapist helped me to see that I was completely out of touch with my emotions. It took me a week, a month, maybe even longer, to realize something angered me, or saddened me, or whatever emotion was lurking deep inside me. I think it was because I had learned to hide my feelings and to put a smile on for the world. I find myself doing that here sometimes now too. It also didn't help that for years, I swallowed all those emotions with a drink and whatever party paraphernalia was available at the time. Self-medication, is the label my therapist gave it.

I don't "self-medicate" anymore. I don't even use prescribed medications anymore. It still takes time for me to sift through it all, but the spanse of time has grown smaller. The signs have grown clearer. However, days like today, the signs seem a little blurred and overwhelming. Is this the sign called melancholy?

I'll figure it out. Just bare with me. It's one of the reasons I like to journal to get all the ruminations in my mind down on paper so I can make sense of all these signs

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