To continue with the last letter, the last word that I received from Mike:
It's a bummer cause I'm not gonna be able to see my kids this summer. I'm considering flying out there when I get home. I just don't want to be around Jeanne tho. She has broken up with her boyfriend and has been writing me a lot talking about things I really don't want to talk to her about. My scar with her is still fresh and I don't want to fall into anything she may be drawing me into. It is so hard tho. We had so much time together, it scares me to think about even being with her again. I'm very very weak around her. I do miss my boys so very much. It kills me to be without them. So anyway, enough of my bullshit.
When I met Mike, he was separated and going through a divorce. The thought of getting involved with someone in such a precarious state of mind had me concerned. I really didn't think he was in a position to get involved with anyone. But, sometimes it's so hard to walk away. I talked to my brother about it and asked what it was like for him emotionally and mentally after him and his wife of 19 years split. His situation was very similar to Mike's in that the wife was the party doing the leaving. Mike and Jeanne got married when he was 18 and she was 16, I believe. According to what he told me, she got pregnant so he married her. He told me he didn't even love her the first five years they were married. But, at some point it happened and he couldn't imagine his life with anyone else. She left him, not once, but twice. After he moved out to California she moved her boyfriend into the house they previously shared as a family. I know it must have hurt him.
Because of the freshness of his separation and wanting to protect myself from getting too wrapped up in him, we had a discussion early on that we were free to see other people. That was all fine and dandy until he got shipped off to Iraq. Without telling him, I made the decision not to see other people. I knew the decision I made didn't change our lack of commitment but I didn't feel right dating other guys. I knew if I kept going out I would find a guy that I hit it off with and then what would I do. It didn't seem right to send someone a letter while they're over in a hell hole that things were nice but it's over. And, I couldn't lie and pretend there might be something until he got back. It would be dishonest to him and dishonest to whomever I found. We talked about what we would do when he got back, his being sent over there didn't end what had started, it was just a pause in the progression of things.
When I didn't hear from him, I assumed he got back with Jeanne. I would have understood his deciding to do that. I, personally, couldn't forgive someone who shit on me twice but I don't have to live in his shoes. His sons mean everything to him. It's one of the things that I admired about him. I wouldn't have put him through hell had he called or even written to tell me. But, I haven't heard anything and now I believe that maybe I was wrong in thinking that it was getting back with Jeanne that was the motivation for him to not call. I think there is someone else and that maybe he even married her. I told him early on the only thing I expected from him was honesty and he could feel comfortable telling me anything, I wouldn't freak out. I've seen a lot in my life and there's not much a person could do that would surprise me. Not even this, I've been down a similar road before. And now I'm walking that same road again. It makes me wonder how in the world I find myself in these situations. What have I done that Karma keeps slapping me in the face with the same life experience.
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