Sunday, October 26, 2003


One of the reasons I decided to begin this journal is to make sense of what exactly happened between Mike, my "friend" who was sent to Iraq, and I. It's nothing new for me but I just can't figure out why I keep attracting guys like him.

When my mom was contemplating her 5th divorce (she is now on marriage number 6!), I said something to her that has been on my mind a lot lately. She was complaining about Bill this and Bill that and I was sick of hearing it. I went to visit her to get away from problems I was going through at the time (see site links to left for a tip on that). Well, anyhow, I finally got tired of her complaining and blurted out "The way I see it, you've been married to 5 very different men and none of them have worked out. There's only one common denominator in this equation and it's YOU!"
So, it keeps running through my head now as the shit that Mike pulled rumbles along with it. What is it about me that I attract men like him? What am I doing wrong? How can I change it? What sucks is that if I don't figure it out, I can't change it. I think maybe it's some kind of Karma paying me back for the wrong I've done. But, hell, I don't know.

In spite of all the shit, I refuse to give up. I like being in a relationship, I love sex, and some day I'd like to find a true partner for a lifetime not just for right now. I'm trying to get past Mike by doing the Online thing. I'm not trying too aggressively though because school is my number one priority and most guys don't seem to understand. However, there's one guy...Ernest who is interested. He seems nice enough. We talked on the phone last night for the first time. He lives in San Diego though which will be difficult. But, I like it down there so a reason to get down there is great. Except, going down there also brings memories of Mike. He's at Camp Pendleton which is on the way to SD.

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